What You Can’t Be and What You Are

*Written last year to an unknown love

Dear Love

More than what you are,

You need to know what you cannot be.

For me, everything I am needing.

You cannot satisfy my deepest pleading.

If I try to find in you my soul’s satisfaction
It will crush us both and kill attraction.
But you are, 

You are delightful.

I look at you and

hear your voice and

my spirit soars beyond sight of land.

You remind me of Him.

And together we’ll fly towards the Sun,
and find our deepest joy in only One.

Focus our eyes as Heaven sings,

and trust the One who gives us wings. 

Uncherished

*Written some time ago, I don’t remember

Your words are careless.

My fragile parts, un-cherished.

You throw stones

to mend broken windows,

and criticize the shards.

It doesn’t make any sense.

My pieces won’t heal like this.

Cold

*Written over 5 years ago.

This may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

To choose to love when love is denied.

To choose the pursuit when he won’t follow suit.

And I’d love to read your mind,

and take a glimpse into your heart.

What’s covered your eyes and made you blind?

How is it that your thoughts are so dark?

Your eyes are so cold.

What is this lie that has been sold?

Why are you so cold?

Indelible Security

With glorious light in my face

I look over to

Love that delights in

All that I am without hiding.

He walks with me in plain sight,

Illuminating my frame.

This joy. It’s so much a part of my soul.

My body, spirit and soul.

Valuable beyond my control.

Worth set in stone.

Loved before I was known.

Joy is my story.

The certainty

of indelible security.

Unforgettable

Irremovable

True.

My Savior’s love defines me.

His righteousness assigned to me.

Now there is freedom to rest and do

With nothing left to prove

Or earn,

Only His love to return.

Books I Haven’t Read

I have a bunch of books on my shelves that I’ve started & haven’t finished or haven’t even started. The plan is to finish them all this year.

Here’s the list. I’ll let you know how it goes.
*=started

*Humility – Andrew Murray
*The Autobiography of George Muller
*An Illustrated Atlas – J.R.R. Tolkien
Unfinished Tales of Numenor and Middle-earth – J.R.R. Tolkien
*What is the Point? – Misty Edwards
A.D. 33 – Ted Dekker
Desiring God – John Piper
When I Don’t Desire God – John Piper
And Justice for All – John Perkins
The Prophet’s Manual – John Eckhardt
Fasting for Breakthrough and Deliverance- John Eckhardt
Connecting with Muslims – Fouad Masri
*My Name is Asher Lev – Chaim Potok
*The Charisma Myth – Olivia Fox Cabane
*The Holy Bible (NKJV)

Healthy Fours

The following is from The Enneagram Institute >

“Healthy Fours are honest with themselves: they own all of their feelings and can look at their motives, contradictions, and emotional conflicts without denying or whitewashing them. They may not necessarily like what they discover, but they do not try to rationalize their states, nor do they try to hide them from themselves or others. They are not afraid to see themselves “warts and all.” Healthy Fours are willing to reveal highly personal and potentially shameful things about themselves because they are determined to understand the truth of their experience—so that they can discover who they are and come to terms with their emotional history. This ability also enables Fours to endure suffering with a quiet strength. Their familiarity with their own darker nature makes it easier for them to process painful experiences that might overwhelm other types.”

Enneagram 4 Wing 5

Each type has two wings, with one usually being stronger than the other. Those wings will be the numbers immediately adjacent to the dominant type. For example, as a Four, my wing will either be a 3 or 5. I cannot be a Four wing Nine, as much as I want to be and as strong as my Nine tendencies are. (I definitely told a few people I was  a Four wing Nine until I understood wings. *facepalm* ) 

That being said, I am most definitely a Four wing Five (sometimes called “The Bohemian”), if you haven’t guessed from the title of this post. I lean towards the intellectual and withdrawn.

I have borrowed the following information on 4w5s from the EnneaApp. Check it out. I’ll italicize that which resonates

  • Drive for expression of unique self leads to a quest of mental analysis
  • Is pleased to be different from the “ordinary;” self-interest is dominant
  • Get lost in fantasy that appears real; comfortable with life’s dark side
  • Elitist and eccentric; defiant of convention; can push the edge of sanity
  • More introverted; not quite as interested in image/acceptance as 4w3

Of course, we are responsible for our actions, so I cannot be elitist, self-absorbed, lost in fantasy land on the edge of sanity and dismiss it with saying, “That’s just the way I am.” No. Nope. I don’t even want to. The great gift of the Enneagram is to show us ourselves in the mirror, so we can move towards health. A wise man once said that our personalities are what show up when we don’t

On the bright side, being a Four wing Five means I get to enjoy not being so concerned with image. I prefer to dress for comfort and genuine self-expression (not trying to be or please someone else).

While I am happy to be different from “ordinary,” I have learned to embrace some sameness. There is a time and place to express my little quirks, and there are perfectly acceptable times and places to adapt to my surroundings. I’ll save my map of Middle Earth sweatshirt for the former.  😉 

I could talk more, but I am also learning to limit the analysis. I’d be happy to talk more in the comments. I’ll also talk a little more about my 5 wing when I review Sleeping At Last’s podcast later. 🙂

If you are a 4w5, I’d love to know if you relate to any of this, and what your experience is! Feel free to ask questions related to the post as well. Comment below!

4 Holiday Self-Care/ Reality

“Dear Fours, during the past holidays, what are some things you’ve found yourself longing for? There are probably some things that aren’t meant to be, and that’s ok – can you hold them gently and loosely in one of your hands? Now, in your other hand, what are the things you’ve longed for that you might be able to create, initiate, participate in, or actively move toward this holiday season?” @xoenneagram

I don’t have Instagram anymore, but my sister screenshot this and sent it to me. So, you Insta-people should check out @xoenneagram. (Another Enneagram post in reference to Fours.)

Back to the questions…. 
…during the past holidays, what are some things you’ve found yourself longing for? …

Hmm… peace? Is that too cliche? Mostly, I just want peace, whether it’s a  holiday or not. Sometimes, peace and quiet – though I love all the little children and big people making noise. I need my quiet times. Peace. The serenity of the outdoors. But mostly peace within my own heart and head. My misophonia generally acts up a lot during the holidays. I can get away and do the dishes, but sometimes Grandpa insists that I sit and wait for everyone else to finish eating -_-.

Practically speaking… umm… for everyone to get along; not freak out over small things (myself included). So I guess that’s also peace. Haha. Now, if we’re gonna dream big, I may say deep pure connection over the beauty and glory of Jesus. 

Joy. Thankfully, I don’t have to look far for that. And when I struggle to see beyond my nose, quiet times with Jesus help me to find joy. So, peace, again 😀

Okay, I can’t control all of that. I can set aside time intentionally for quiet, but I can’t make people respect that. So I’ll ideally hold that loosely. I can start gushing about my Savior, and hope that it catches. —That’s the plan anyway—

How That Went – A Misophonia Story

…Okay, so I wrote most of this before Thanksgiving, and wanted to be frank with how it went. I had a low-grade panic attack for most of “Black” Friday. After spending the day using all my energy to keep from running to hide, my body couldn’t hold in the tension any longer. As is common in these circumstances, my misophonia was on high alert (sensitivity to sounds often is connected to stress levels). I try to distract myself as much as possible to ease the fight or flight response, but my resources had bled dry. 

I’m not proud of myself. I wanted to apply this “holiday self-care” advice more effectively. It’s not easily understood, Misophonia. I am thankful for everyone who loved me through it. Still, I acted out of fear. I didn’t take the time alone that I needed for fear that my loved ones would think I did not want to be around them. 

… I’ll tell you more tomorrow.

Four! pt3

Passion: Envy / Fixation: Melancholy

Part 3 of a series of posts I am doing on my Enneagram type. Read the intro here.

That really threw me off. When I started reading type descriptions, I resonated with so much of the Four, but… Envy? I don’t consider myself to bean envious person. So to understand this passion, I had to take a step back.

Before I continue, let’s define passion and fixation briefly. The “passion” is often described as the deadly sin of the type, and the fixation is the method by which one justifies or feeds the passion. Some will contest to that terminology, but that is the general understanding. Either way, it’s cyclical. For example, envy feeds melancholy which in turn produces more envy. 

I don’t envy what people have materially so much as their confidence and ease of social interaction. Their will-power and appearance of comfort within their own skin. But even more than all that, most of my experience of “envy” is intangible. It is better encapsulated by the word “longing.” And when I focus so much on what I don’t have, that’s where the tendency towards melancholy comes in (gloomy or depressive state of mind). 

What do you do with that? Generally, I try to remember that I am not alone in my feeling of lack. A good friend of mine once told me after witnessing my desperation, “You don’t need more of Jesus than anyone else.” And that was supremely comforting. Whether my need is more or less visible, it is in the same measure that all humanity needs Jesus. 

On that note, here is a song 🙂 – All We Need is Need – Jimmy Needham. 

So instead of fighting this need, I can see it as an invitation to go deeper.

To quote The Classic Crime, “My heart’s a hole that needs to constantly be filled with love.” And that can feel debilitating, because we know that people can’t provide that constant flow of love. We are limited, finite creatures who cannot fill an infinite need. 

We were made to be filled with infinite love from an infinite Savior. This overwhelming longing and need are not signs that there is something wrong. Rather, it is supposed to be this way. God has blessed me repeatedly with the weight of my need so I turn to Him to satisfy me continually.

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”

C.S. Lewis – Mere Christianity

And when I see that my human companions don’t satisfy my longing for love, I can thank God. My friends are wonderful people, but they make very poor gods. And placing them on that pedestal, asking them to fill me, will only destroy us both. They would either become crushed by the demand, or their egos would become inflated with self-importance. And I would be as desperate as ever, prone to despair; still unsatisfied, scrambling for love and acceptance when it’s already mine if I would only look into the hands of my Savior. 

Let’s go back to the passion, which I will call longing rather than envy. I can keep it from flowing into melancholy if I find it’s fulfillment/purpose in Jesus. 

I can take the weight off my friends and family, and let the Only One who can carry it do that for me. I can free those relationships to be places of peace and mutual care. And I can take the weight off of me. I don’t have to feel ashamed because of my need. I have a Savior who took that shame for me, and He doesn’t hold back His love for me when I ask. 

Four, Part 2

Every type has arrows of integration and disintegration -integration being how you grow, disintegration being how you shrink into dysfunction. And we borrow these patterns from other types. So I’m continuing my Four series with some figurative archery. 

Arrows

  • Integration: When I am growing, I become more like a healthy One – viewing my emotions more objectively and acting more on principle.
  •  Disintegration: When unhealthy, I take on negative tendencies of the Two – clinging to people for affirmation of significance.

Read more about the arrows of integration and disintegration here.

Whichever type you integrate towards disintegrates towards you.
Example: My oldest sister is a One. So, in knowing that, I can see positive traits in her that I can naturally attain in health – objectivity, morality. When healthy, I can look at my emotions as a valuable source of information rather than a source of objective truth. And now I can understand her frustration with me over the years a bit better now. When she saw my issues, she saw herself in disintegration – moody, melancholic. Few things can be as frustrating to a One as seeing things that they don’t like in themselves. So, without going too deep into the details, I’ve been able to be more gracious with her frustration towards me, even as she has grown a ton in being patient with me.

Concerning disintegration – An interesting and disingenuous trait of an unhealthy Two (my path of disintegration) is the tendency to serve & love others in order to receive love in return. I used to do this as a child. I would bring my siblings and their friends hot cocoa, or ice cream. They were always happy to see me when I was bringing them food or drinks, so that’s why I did it. I thought they would like me and want me around if I served them. 
I’ve been cognizant to pursue a life of service that doesn’t expect anything in return; that does not manipulate with love. Even as a child, I didn’t expect anything in return, but that doesn’t mean my motives were pure. I wasn’t looking out for the best interests of others – I merely wanted them to like me. That, my friend, is a dangerous arrow. 

More to come on the fixation and passion of the Four…