What You Can’t Be and What You Are

*Written last year to an unknown love

Dear Love

More than what you are,

You need to know what you cannot be.

For me, everything I am needing.

You cannot satisfy my deepest pleading.

If I try to find in you my soul’s satisfaction
It will crush us both and kill attraction.
But you are, 

You are delightful.

I look at you and

hear your voice and

my spirit soars beyond sight of land.

You remind me of Him.

And together we’ll fly towards the Sun,
and find our deepest joy in only One.

Focus our eyes as Heaven sings,

and trust the One who gives us wings. 

Uncherished

*Written some time ago, I don’t remember

Your words are careless.

My fragile parts, un-cherished.

You throw stones

to mend broken windows,

and criticize the shards.

It doesn’t make any sense.

My pieces won’t heal like this.

Cold

*Written over 5 years ago.

This may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

To choose to love when love is denied.

To choose the pursuit when he won’t follow suit.

And I’d love to read your mind,

and take a glimpse into your heart.

What’s covered your eyes and made you blind?

How is it that your thoughts are so dark?

Your eyes are so cold.

What is this lie that has been sold?

Why are you so cold?

Appeal

*A poem I started over 4 years ago. I’ll be posting more old poems this week to offer a peak into the past. 

I felt a switch in me that you couldn’t see.

I claimed a name I never knew how to be.

Pressure. Pressure. Pressure.

Embody this idea of femininity and appeal.

These ideas, these ideals, they steal.

A holy love defiled

upon which You once smiled.

I want to run wild

in the purity of grace.

The innocence of a child

with freedom to fall on my face.

This pressure was a cage

I walked into willingly

Thinking if I stayed,

Somehow you would love me.

You cut the noose.

Hallelujah, let me loose.

A caged bird nevermore I’ll be.

I’ll soar the skies forevermore. I’m free.

Indelible Security

With glorious light in my face

I look over to

Love that delights in

All that I am without hiding.

He walks with me in plain sight,

Illuminating my frame.

This joy. It’s so much a part of my soul.

My body, spirit and soul.

Valuable beyond my control.

Worth set in stone.

Loved before I was known.

Joy is my story.

The certainty

of indelible security.

Unforgettable

Irremovable

True.

My Savior’s love defines me.

His righteousness assigned to me.

Now there is freedom to rest and do

With nothing left to prove

Or earn,

Only His love to return.

Fear

*Another old poem, previously unpublished.

Fear.
At the depths of me,
That’s what kept me
Immobilized
Terrorized
Fear of losing.
Fear of loosing
the floods of your
disapproval. 
Because maybe you’re right
And I am wrong.
So I stayed quiet for too long. 
And boiled deep inside
pains I tried to hide. 
And erupted unfairly
Unexpected and unkindly.
I’m sorry. 
What’s wrong with me?
I’m sorry. 

Breathing

It was a low point. I was not proud of myself. My sister-in-law looked me in the eyes and very clear breathed deeply to elicit a deep breath from me as well. “Please don’t,” was my honest, though tactless response.

At that point, all my senses were on high alert. She was right. I needed to breathe, but it felt patronizing to be told so.

Jesus knows I needed to breathe. My inability to receive help, though understandable, has hurt a number of well intentioned people.

When I am in an irrational state of mind, appealing to the logical course of action doesn’t always work. So, to help lessen the pain I cause, I try to plan before the panic. I’ve given my friends a keyword to tell me when they see me start to spiral. And if I fight it, they can remind me that I gave them permission to tell me that.

Also, it’s helpful to practice breathing deeply when I am feeling just fine. This develops helps me 1) lessen the intensity and frequency of panic and 2) aid me in the middle of it.

Instead of practicing breathing for mental health, it’s been easier for me to do breathing exercising for other reasons – like singing or playing harmonica. It feels more productive, enjoyable, and even healing.

Right now, I am going through vocal lesson videos online through WorshipU, which has a mobile app as well. It’s been a long time since I have played the harmonica, but maybe I’ll get back into that sometime in the future. One thing at a time. 🙂

As much as I pursue prevention, when I am in the middle of it and not thinking clearly, I usually just need to leave. I need to exit the situation and pray. He never condemns me when I do. The Prince of Peace revives my lungs and floods my soul with secure hope and love. Jesus, help me remember to breathe deep.

My Journey Towards Healing

Random fact about me. I am a bit of a health nut. Not in the sense that I am any good at following healthy eating patterns, but dang it, I am decent about knowing the stuff I should do.

I watched an entire docu-series a few years ago on the connection between the food we eat and mental health (The Depression Sessions) with all sorts of experts (Dr. Isabella Wentz, Dr. Ben Lynch, Dr. Jill Carnahan, etc…). I even took notes! Haven’t really followed them, but…

But then I finally went to a doctor. She prescribed anti-depressants and a list of about seven other lifestyle changes. Diet and exercise being towards the top of the list. One of the main elements of the diet changes was eliminating refined sugar and refined flour. Here’s an article (with legitimate sources linked) to explain more.

The antidepressants weren’t working for me, so I stopped taking them. (I was on the lowest dosage already, so tapering off wasn’t an issue.) Between the time I stopped taking them and the holidays, I was feeling great! My mood was 200% better, and the withdrawal symptoms were not bad at all. And cutting out sugar was helping. I could tell people it was the doctor’s orders, and get by without explaining much more. I was doing well…

Until Thanksgiving. Goodness gracious, Thanksgiving was a nightmare. I nearly cried. All of the holiday meal was everything I was supposed to avoid. I tried telling my grandparents the whole “doctors orders” thing, but they pushed. “Why?” “What would happen if you ate some sugar?” And you need to understand – my grandparents are not sympathetic in the least towards mental health issues, so telling them was not an option.

Even then, I managed to get through Thanksgiving without giving in too much. But then my little brother’s wedding, and Christmas… My will-power broke. My grandparents didn’t stop pushing and “jokingly” insulting my eating habits. God knows I love them, and they are wonderful in their own way, but this broke me. That and wedding cake. Need I say more?

It was around this same time that I watch a docu-series on the microbiome, which also referred to the connection between mental and gut health. I had been having other gut issues as well, so I figured it was worth looking into. I ordered a test to measure the health of my microbiome.

(I also went through a charity that offers donation-based Biblical counseling. I found the same or better counseling through my own church leadership, so I discontinued using the charity’s services.)

Since I’ve been indulging in sugar again, the sluggishness, brain fog, and depression have been returning.

All this to say, for those interested, I will be posting updates on my journey. The results of my microbiome test (including more of what foods I need to avoid, etc.). Tracking my attempts to follow doctor’s orders. And, per usual, what helps and doesn’t help my mental health.

Comments and questions are welcome 🙂

Understood

Good morning, sunshine.
I missed your smile in the night time.
The shadows over your troubled mind,
covered your hope and made you blind.

But good morning, my love!
You are awake in the light of day.
You are not defined by the dumb things you say.
You are loved beyond every little mistake.

The One who loves you is good,
By Him, you’ll always be understood.


Books I Haven’t Read

I have a bunch of books on my shelves that I’ve started & haven’t finished or haven’t even started. The plan is to finish them all this year.

Here’s the list. I’ll let you know how it goes.
*=started

*Humility – Andrew Murray
*The Autobiography of George Muller
*An Illustrated Atlas – J.R.R. Tolkien
Unfinished Tales of Numenor and Middle-earth – J.R.R. Tolkien
*What is the Point? – Misty Edwards
A.D. 33 – Ted Dekker
Desiring God – John Piper
When I Don’t Desire God – John Piper
And Justice for All – John Perkins
The Prophet’s Manual – John Eckhardt
Fasting for Breakthrough and Deliverance- John Eckhardt
Connecting with Muslims – Fouad Masri
*My Name is Asher Lev – Chaim Potok
*The Charisma Myth – Olivia Fox Cabane
*The Holy Bible (NKJV)